Getting Personal

Most people wonder when they hear of others being diagnosed with cancer, what it is really like. I know I did. Some seem to pull through and go on with apparent normal life and many still succumb to the insider attack. There are daily little things that are different that I pondered while showering this morning.

The first thought is hair. Everyone asks will you lose you hair. The answer is on some drugs yes, and others no and others most of it but not all. In the latter case it may as well all go because by the time you are gone the surviving wisps barely give cover. The other aspect is that ALL the hair goes. Think about that a minute. As I performed a more rare morning ritual this morning of showering, washing my hair AND shaving, I remembered how much a pain it had been in the past to take those few extra moments. Now the feel of nice smooth cleanly shaven legs is a pleasure but rarely performed. The hair grows in so sparse and irregular and slow that it is weeks until I'll shave again. Eyebrows? We learn to use makeup artistry to draw those normal face features in. Color? I've drawn to more of it since my diagnosis disliking dull, dark drab colors. And color in the hair? I didn't think I would ever dye my hair but in this as in other things my body has betrayed me.

This body is no longer mine. It no longer obeys me. First it took on this sickness without any invitiation. It disrupted my normal process of aging that I had prepared to meet face on with humor and good faith. Now my body aches and won't perform normal minor physical exertions without being exhausted. Now my body isn't whole. It has lost several important organs. Instead of normal menopause to share around the tea table with other female friends I was thrown into surgical menopause overnight. Instead of gradually graying with sophistication my hair after gem/cis looked as spare and gray as my 90 year old aunt's. This was truly dispair. I just couldn't face the mirror anymore but dreaded that growth line as color grows out. My favorite hairdresser suggested henna since my hair has so many chemicals in it. He said it would be easy to just put in and wash out when needed. After the first scary episode the results were not totally frightening so I've added some.

These are only a few thoughts for this early cold morning. Now let's have a cup of tea.