Faith and Hope

 Way back in the dark ages a dear friend, Jaci, gave me the subtitle below my yearbook graduation photo. It is difficult to count the number of times in my life since that these words have come to me like prescient wisdom from a loving heart sister. They have sustained me often in difficult situations. These words were "Hope is a risk that must be run".

Once again I sat in the doc's office, soon to finish the current treatment, anxious about the future. I hear his words to stop treatment. I hear his concern that soon nothing will work from their arsenal of weapons against this beast. I know in my heart it is God's blessing that I have enjoyed the last three years of general good health. September 27th is my three year anniversary of ovca diagnosis. A bitter sweet celebration of the date realizing one's immortality and also that every day has been grace from my Father above. I am a survivor at this junctor but wonder for how long. There just isn't a time frame that would be satisfactory.

I swing emotionally from take each day one at a time continueing a stable routine and seeing to each day's trouble to panic over getting everything my heart desires done, realizing dreams and pouring all into my children's hearts I can in the time I have. I hold fast once again to these words knowing  "Faith is hope in what one believes but does not yet see".

Speed of lightening

Whew, what was that streak of light? Oh it was summer. It's gone now. Wow, what a sight. Our first public school summer. We (really I) tried hard to have a normal homeschool perspective on these three months, but that proved impossible when the children have been swept up into the world's flying version. Crash and rise again the last week of August pheonix style to file into appropriate boxes of learning. They have adjusted well in one year. No tears, crying or hanging. They walked excitedly into the brick building rising threateningly in my view. They slapped five, greeted old friends, hunched under their backpacks (one old, one new thanks to the economy) and soldiered forward with the ringing bell. I sat in the car proud of their coping skills, grateful for the successes of last year and the hopes for this year, but holding my heart gingerly in my hands as I see what is so tenderly important to me for them lieing in the dust.

Crumbled amongst the pavement stones lies the love to learn, the eager comfort of books, the questions and answers so far out of the box I needed a road map, their passions and imaginations. This yellow brick road holds forced learning, scheduled investigative inquiry, limited phsycial activity, standardized performance, and legislated reading. Tossed among the weeds growing in the cracks are values, ethics, and morals to mud their feet and stain their souls. 

But yes, they've grown. Yes, they've adjusted. Yes, they fit right in and have learned the rules.

Summer's Heat Mirage

Particularly when driving I notice the heat coming off the highway ahead in a shimmery dreamlike haze. That is the same image in my mind as my health treatment progresses. Meeting with my doc yesterday, I realized my health is strong, my lifestyle is normal, my energy is good yet that shimmery haze is approaching on life's highway.

I've been in active treatment since Sept 05. Currently used drugs are still effectively reducing the CA125 count, which measures the cancer protein in the blood, now at 3. It's not likely to go any lower even with continuous treatment. My body is rebelling though with more nauseau. That makes life unpleasant but still doable. Besides what I have already used, there is very little else to turn to that is practiced medicine for ovca. He reviewed a few things he is trying out with long term patients but in my mind, I can't place myself at that end of the spectrum yet. I want to keep using the tried and true until no longer possible.

My window of dreams is shrinking. How do I use each hour of the day? What are my goals for children and myself for the next year? Am I willing to invest energy in a new venture if I'm not able to see the end? Remember Moses traveled for 40 yrs to be denied all but a lookout point view of the promised land. What are my battles worth fighting when each one consumes precious energy?

In the driver's seat, that humid haze obstructs my view. I can see only so far.

Life a'Kilter

Sorry for such an absence. Life has been quite strewn about lately. My second treatment in June was cancelled due to low white blood counts. This was a disappointment, but the good news was my CA125 was 4.

Meanwhile, we picked strawberries and I was reminded of a favorite children's book Razzamatazz Berries, berries, berries everywhere, strawberries, huckleberries, raspberries tumbling all over the pages. I love the berry season. Tried a strawberry sorbet and it turned out quite well. Rhubarb has been tasty too. We made it to market one day for fresh vegies and the children visited their favortie honey stand for honey candies.

My July treatments went as scheduled. Surprisingly my wbc was higher for my second treatment than for my first. CA125 is holding steady. I've not been feeling well for this fourth of July weekend, but this will pass and next week is another week. We enjoyed local fireworks with our neighbors instead of any big extravaganza this year. So wishing everyone a Happy Fourth.

Miracle Elixer

Once again thanks to this wonderful combo of drugs that my doc came up with in his research, my CA125 is down to 12 from almost 80 with just the first course of treatments. Today I received the first of the second course. This doc is one more of God's pieces placed in my life. I am learning to wait His placement of these individuals when they are needed and not press in my sense of timing. His provision is so perfect and puts my own attempts to shame.

The day was long and arduous but we made it and now I recuperate for the next few days.

Out of Egypt

This was the final chapter from Breaking Free by Beth Moore.

The gospel is so arranged and the gift of God so great that you may take the very enemies that fight you and the forces that are arrayed against you and make  them steps up to the very gates of heaven and into the presence of God..God wants of every one of His children, to be more than conqueror...You know when one army is more than conqueror it is likely to drive the other from the field, to get all the ammunition, the food and supplies, and to take possession of the whole...There are spoils to be taken!

Beloved, have you got them? When you went into that terrible valley of suffering did you come out of it with spoils? When that injury struck you and you thought everything was gone, did you so trust in God that you came out richer than you went in? To be more than conqueror is to take the spoils from the enemy and appropriate them to yourself. What he had arranged for your overthrow, take and appropriate for yourself.

Never Know What to Expect

I am slowly recovering from my second gem/cis treatment for this month. It was pleasantly surprising upon receiving my bloodwork two weeks ago to find my WBC was as high as 4.9 and the CA125 had actually fallen rather than rising while waiting for the treatment schedule to begin. It fell from 77 to 68, which the doc says is allowing for error in testing, but I had certainly expected it to be well over 100. Most of the discomfort I had been experiencing is diminishing already. The consequent fatigue and weakness is very hard to deal with even when assuring myself that it is short term. Yesterday I actually considered using a wheelchair for the first time. The muscle fatigue is so deep and overwhelming. Today I am putzing and resting, putzing and resting, slowly getting some things accomplished. Doing as much as possible while sitting is very helpful. I am expecting it to be a challenge to complete six scheduled gem/cis treatments through September. If it actually aids in keeping the counts down it will be worth it. One down and five to go.