Daughter Link

Today I bought a journal to begin to write down all the words of knowledge, experience, wisdom and insight for my daughter that I want to be certain to pass on for her maturing and adult years. No one should ever lose a parent, I know from all the time I've spent with my oldest homeschooling him through highschool, all our talks, all my lectures, all our tears, as a young adult I still have not said all that I would like to say nor am I certain he heard all I DID say in the tone and nature of how I meant it. Even deliberating over every word for my daughter, I know in my heart I won't cover everything. There will still be clueless questions and empty silences.

While searching for a journal, I pondered the idea that every parent should do this for their children, daughters and sons, even when they expect to share a very long and fulfilling life together. Getting down in words the love, the desires, the dreams, the experiences and understanding is so important. Life gets too busy and things are left unsaid or half said. It took me decades to glean the knowledge of the world and my God that I do have, as meager as that may be. I'd like my children to benefit from what I have learned, have freedom to learn their own lessons, and dream their own dreams, and be enveloped in the love of a Sovereign God.

Holding Steady

There hasn't been much to report lately other than increasing discomfort and signs of growing cancer up until this Tuesday when I finally received a chemo treatment. After discussing several drug options with my doc, he opted to stay the course with the carbo treatments I had been receiving before being ill. I felt immediate improvement that day with irritating symptoms. The faith part is hoping that this low dose maintenance treatment will also reduce the CA125 counts that had begun to rise.

The grass is greening but the tics are out. The hyacynths are in bloom but I have a sneaking suspicion the chippies stole many of my bulbs this winter.  Also need some bright perky pansies. Will pick them up this week. All in all we are holding steady, waiting for spring to pop in full bloom and the next bloodwork results.

Emerging

My young son's class planted emporer tulips last fall with the Journey North migration program on the internet. They have a plot outside their school and a plot on the internet map where they can observe the budding and blooming of tulips all up the east coast. I had the opportunity to witness their excitement a week ago as they went checked their garden plot for 'emerging' tulips. This was the new word for the day: emerging. We counted 28 tulips leaves pushing through the soil. What excitement. I drove home to quickly scan my own garden and found not a single tulip leaf twisting in the soil. Now THIS week, I am happy to say we are 'emerging' also. We counted one tulip, one greening primrose and a small clump of narscissus or daffodils and what may be one hyacynth pushing up in the garden. My excitement almost eclipsed that of the kindergarten class. Further announcement of spring will come when the garden is in full bloom.

On the health side of life, my red blood counts are 'emerging' into a much healthier glow, but my white blood count is still struggling. Waiting until April 1 for my next scheduled appointment will mean a six week break since my last treatment. Since this appears to be a result of having received so much chemo compounded by the flu, I don't know when I will be able to tolerate treatment again, if the milder maintenance treatment will be sufficient or if a more toxic dose will be required to reduce tumor growth and if I will be able to withstand a full dose of chemotherapy again. Not much of a note to end on, but that is where I find myself at the time being.

Those Numbers Again

This is the second week my chemo has been cancelled because my counts are not recovering from when I had the flu. I have had so much chemo in the past two years that the bone marrow isn't rebuilding fast enough. I am feeling good at this point, but know that a continued absence of chemo therapy will allow that ever critical CA125 to rise again which will mean much more toxic chemo to shrink the tumors once again. It is now a catch 22 it seems. If my blood counts recover in this next week, I'll still have a chance of getting back on schedule, otherwise we'll be looking for other options.

Community

One thing I realized while in the hospital last month is the need for community and fellowship for my children. When I am absent, the flow of reassuring love enveloping them in a community of faith is so much appreciated. I encourage all our friends to not feel shy about visiting or being a part of our daily life. The safer the children feel in others' companionship the more likely they will receive comfort and assurance when the times are scary. We all need hugs both to give and receive.

Retail Therapy

After a month of illness in our household, my doc says my lungs are recovering well. I had been hospitalized for three days the last week of February due to pneumonia and flu. It was a scare for everyone as my white blood counts fell to 1.2 and platelets fell as well. They had not recovered quick enough to have my scheduled chemo this week. The CA125, though, held steady. So we plan on next week for chemo.

Meanwhile, I took daughter along this time to meet my doc and visit the infusion clinic. He's a cool guy and the nurses are great. Having a picture in her mind of place and people involved may help her deal with my regular trips to Hershey which generally cause her considerable emotional angst. Afterwards we went shopping for spring clothes and treated to a nice meal in a restaurant. She enjoyed girls day out.

So another week of recuperation when I hope to catch up on the house and get some other tasks accomplished. Thanks so much for everyone's love and prayers last week. Our family so appreciates everyone's support and concern for each one of us. My first full day in the hospital was like party day with the constant flow of traffic from many friends. Love you all.

Reassuring News

Two weeks ago my CA125 stumbled upward. We continued with the treatments and waited for a second bloodtest. I have just received word that it has fallen again to a lower range, yet higher than the consistent 3 it had been. It is still well within normal and a range is often common as it fluctuates abit. I was nervous this meant another upward trend and again more toxic treatments but now can rest with the current maintenance program for a while longer. The CA125 is not the only test to look at, but for me is a pretty marked sign for recurrence. The nerve rending anxiety of watching it can be emotional but keeping busy helps. The normal routine day to day stuff keeps life like it used to be and the thoughts of cancer at bay.

One project I've been working on is a family picture album of old pics from the early 1900s. It is interesting to relate to grandparents and great grandparents as young adults and watching them change as they've matured. It puts my own short history into perspective. It is interesting to place their lives into the context of world events and developmental accomplishments. My grandparents went from horse and buggy to cars, to airplanes, to space rockets to a man on the moon. Can you imagine? I've seen the man on the moon, space shuttles to established stations, the internet flow of knowledge and much more yet to come. Though more and more people and events, our world is shrinking to allow contact with people miles and miles away. I have prayer support in Australia, England, Africa, and most every state of the union. Can one have even imagined that size of community at the turn of the century?

A small insignificant number as the CA125 can change my whole perspective but in the history of ovca I am living at a remarkable time. Just 10 short years ago my diagnosis in 2005 would have been a six month sentence. Modern medicine grants me treatment to hold the symptoms at bay and give me a remarkable ability to continue life as somewhat normal. The research for ovca is ready to burst the doors open to potentially not only lengthening life but finding a cure. Please pass the word forward to not only be aware of the seemingly inocuous symptoms that bely ovca but also to further research and not let other gynie cancers be lost in the dust of progress left by progressive treatments in other areas.