Summer's Heat Mirage

Particularly when driving I notice the heat coming off the highway ahead in a shimmery dreamlike haze. That is the same image in my mind as my health treatment progresses. Meeting with my doc yesterday, I realized my health is strong, my lifestyle is normal, my energy is good yet that shimmery haze is approaching on life's highway.

I've been in active treatment since Sept 05. Currently used drugs are still effectively reducing the CA125 count, which measures the cancer protein in the blood, now at 3. It's not likely to go any lower even with continuous treatment. My body is rebelling though with more nauseau. That makes life unpleasant but still doable. Besides what I have already used, there is very little else to turn to that is practiced medicine for ovca. He reviewed a few things he is trying out with long term patients but in my mind, I can't place myself at that end of the spectrum yet. I want to keep using the tried and true until no longer possible.

My window of dreams is shrinking. How do I use each hour of the day? What are my goals for children and myself for the next year? Am I willing to invest energy in a new venture if I'm not able to see the end? Remember Moses traveled for 40 yrs to be denied all but a lookout point view of the promised land. What are my battles worth fighting when each one consumes precious energy?

In the driver's seat, that humid haze obstructs my view. I can see only so far.

Life a'Kilter

Sorry for such an absence. Life has been quite strewn about lately. My second treatment in June was cancelled due to low white blood counts. This was a disappointment, but the good news was my CA125 was 4.

Meanwhile, we picked strawberries and I was reminded of a favorite children's book Razzamatazz Berries, berries, berries everywhere, strawberries, huckleberries, raspberries tumbling all over the pages. I love the berry season. Tried a strawberry sorbet and it turned out quite well. Rhubarb has been tasty too. We made it to market one day for fresh vegies and the children visited their favortie honey stand for honey candies.

My July treatments went as scheduled. Surprisingly my wbc was higher for my second treatment than for my first. CA125 is holding steady. I've not been feeling well for this fourth of July weekend, but this will pass and next week is another week. We enjoyed local fireworks with our neighbors instead of any big extravaganza this year. So wishing everyone a Happy Fourth.

Miracle Elixer

Once again thanks to this wonderful combo of drugs that my doc came up with in his research, my CA125 is down to 12 from almost 80 with just the first course of treatments. Today I received the first of the second course. This doc is one more of God's pieces placed in my life. I am learning to wait His placement of these individuals when they are needed and not press in my sense of timing. His provision is so perfect and puts my own attempts to shame.

The day was long and arduous but we made it and now I recuperate for the next few days.

Out of Egypt

This was the final chapter from Breaking Free by Beth Moore.

The gospel is so arranged and the gift of God so great that you may take the very enemies that fight you and the forces that are arrayed against you and make  them steps up to the very gates of heaven and into the presence of God..God wants of every one of His children, to be more than conqueror...You know when one army is more than conqueror it is likely to drive the other from the field, to get all the ammunition, the food and supplies, and to take possession of the whole...There are spoils to be taken!

Beloved, have you got them? When you went into that terrible valley of suffering did you come out of it with spoils? When that injury struck you and you thought everything was gone, did you so trust in God that you came out richer than you went in? To be more than conqueror is to take the spoils from the enemy and appropriate them to yourself. What he had arranged for your overthrow, take and appropriate for yourself.

Never Know What to Expect

I am slowly recovering from my second gem/cis treatment for this month. It was pleasantly surprising upon receiving my bloodwork two weeks ago to find my WBC was as high as 4.9 and the CA125 had actually fallen rather than rising while waiting for the treatment schedule to begin. It fell from 77 to 68, which the doc says is allowing for error in testing, but I had certainly expected it to be well over 100. Most of the discomfort I had been experiencing is diminishing already. The consequent fatigue and weakness is very hard to deal with even when assuring myself that it is short term. Yesterday I actually considered using a wheelchair for the first time. The muscle fatigue is so deep and overwhelming. Today I am putzing and resting, putzing and resting, slowly getting some things accomplished. Doing as much as possible while sitting is very helpful. I am expecting it to be a challenge to complete six scheduled gem/cis treatments through September. If it actually aids in keeping the counts down it will be worth it. One down and five to go.

Daughter Link

Today I bought a journal to begin to write down all the words of knowledge, experience, wisdom and insight for my daughter that I want to be certain to pass on for her maturing and adult years. No one should ever lose a parent, I know from all the time I've spent with my oldest homeschooling him through highschool, all our talks, all my lectures, all our tears, as a young adult I still have not said all that I would like to say nor am I certain he heard all I DID say in the tone and nature of how I meant it. Even deliberating over every word for my daughter, I know in my heart I won't cover everything. There will still be clueless questions and empty silences.

While searching for a journal, I pondered the idea that every parent should do this for their children, daughters and sons, even when they expect to share a very long and fulfilling life together. Getting down in words the love, the desires, the dreams, the experiences and understanding is so important. Life gets too busy and things are left unsaid or half said. It took me decades to glean the knowledge of the world and my God that I do have, as meager as that may be. I'd like my children to benefit from what I have learned, have freedom to learn their own lessons, and dream their own dreams, and be enveloped in the love of a Sovereign God.

Holding Steady

There hasn't been much to report lately other than increasing discomfort and signs of growing cancer up until this Tuesday when I finally received a chemo treatment. After discussing several drug options with my doc, he opted to stay the course with the carbo treatments I had been receiving before being ill. I felt immediate improvement that day with irritating symptoms. The faith part is hoping that this low dose maintenance treatment will also reduce the CA125 counts that had begun to rise.

The grass is greening but the tics are out. The hyacynths are in bloom but I have a sneaking suspicion the chippies stole many of my bulbs this winter.  Also need some bright perky pansies. Will pick them up this week. All in all we are holding steady, waiting for spring to pop in full bloom and the next bloodwork results.