OK

You can contact me directly at DovesMail1@gmail.com . Give me some feedback or help me out here. I am devistated that this blog appears to be no longer useful for its intended purpose. One option would be to put this email contact at the end of each posting but I am still consigned to using only general information here that is not of any personal nature. My wings have been clipped.

Can you hear me now?

Unfortunately this blog has run across a fated outcome of modern tech communication. It allows me to share updates and info to many many people with one entry. It happens that a sweet individual whom I held dear to my heart had chosen to use this venue as a place to scurrilously attack me and flaunt very personal information. I am now consigned to enter only superficial information because some entries have been divulged to other sources to hurt me.

I have since opened another sight whose members must be approved by myself personally to post there. If in the future someone crosses the boundaries established I will be able to delete them from membership. There is much more information there and more accessible means of communicating back and forth.

Many people read this blog and never post. I would like some feedback as to who is reading this blog, who would like this blog continued with its more general posts or if others would like to access my other site. Think about this awhile and I will mull a means that you will be able to contact me anonymously with your insight.

Hit by a Truck

A minor sinus cold turned into a massive uhaul bronchial infection. Wow. I'm still lying crushed on the highway of February's afflictions. Events like these would have been an irritating obstacle prior to chemo, now it takes me three days to peel myself off the pavement. Fortunately friends are here with their shovels and scrapers. Guess I'll reassemble once again and pick up and move on.

This Saturday I am looking forward to some scrapping time. Til then, just takin' it easy.

Progress once again

It would seem the Avastin is working well. The CA125 count is hovering around 17-21 which is normal on both scales accepted now for this protein in the blood. One scale, the traditional scale holds under 35 as normal and the newer scale uses 21 as the max. I'm having no discomfort or pain and the side effects are particularly mild. The most persistent difficulty is the continued weakness in my thighs. It's a deep bone fatigue that makes it hard to stand, walk or do physical activity for any length of time. So I am learning to pace myself when active and doing things that can be done easily sitting down.

I have a terrific support team that helps me with the heavier cleaning to keep on top of the household and odd jobs around the home. I am continually grateful for these blessings.

The Sun

I noticed yesterday the sun is coming in closer in its orbit. I feel more warmth from it and notice it is more directly in my line of sight again. I miss the summer's sun during this cold season. Our new house has many windows which bring in much light, but on cloudy stormy days nothing seems to help.

Next week, I am scheduled for a third treatment of Avastin. This drug doesn't seem to have the side effects of other chemos other than fatigue. I take naps more frequently now. The CA125 is down to 17, remember under 35 is normal, and other counts are holding steady.

We are now officially half way through the school year. I remember with homeschooling how we'd count the days to 90 til we could celebrate this date. With my oldest, of course, his first semester at college ended before the holidays. He's now swept up into another semester of challenging courses. The younger two are doing well. They are signing up for spring sports which is yet another sign that winter is passing.

I've been dreaming of a week at the shore during the winter season. A quiet retreat to comtemplate, write and savor the shore at a different time of year. Some have told me the shore on off season is a delight. I think a vacation would help. I feel a rambly prowling spirit which may be a bad case of cabin fever.

A New Year

2009 begins on a brighter note than I would have anticipated just a few months ago. Back in October and November with daily increasing symptoms of disease, discomfort and distress I had begun to consider this year as my last year to enjoy with family and friends. I had set aside any plans for future projects and dreams. Now with a successful perientesis which removed three litres of fluid from my abdomen, stabilized CA125 and a new treatment plan I am feeling strong again.

The children are doing well in school. Their studies have improved tremendously and the teachers remark on their confidence and maturity. We enjoyed a wonderful Christmas with lights and presents and time together. Daughter participated in a live Nativity this year and both children performed in the Christmas orchestra concert. What a delight.

Now with a layer of ice on the ground and possibly more snow to come, I am looking forward to some new garden plans for the spring. Various fruit plants including some sweet rhubarb and some everlasting strawberries. I've always dreamed of having a small fruit farm. This will be small but also futuristic. I like that perspective right now. New perenniel plants as well. I look out at my drab sticks of garden now, shooting out from the wet snow and ice where soon color will burst forth. I can't wait.

Getting Personal

Most people wonder when they hear of others being diagnosed with cancer, what it is really like. I know I did. Some seem to pull through and go on with apparent normal life and many still succumb to the insider attack. There are daily little things that are different that I pondered while showering this morning.

The first thought is hair. Everyone asks will you lose you hair. The answer is on some drugs yes, and others no and others most of it but not all. In the latter case it may as well all go because by the time you are gone the surviving wisps barely give cover. The other aspect is that ALL the hair goes. Think about that a minute. As I performed a more rare morning ritual this morning of showering, washing my hair AND shaving, I remembered how much a pain it had been in the past to take those few extra moments. Now the feel of nice smooth cleanly shaven legs is a pleasure but rarely performed. The hair grows in so sparse and irregular and slow that it is weeks until I'll shave again. Eyebrows? We learn to use makeup artistry to draw those normal face features in. Color? I've drawn to more of it since my diagnosis disliking dull, dark drab colors. And color in the hair? I didn't think I would ever dye my hair but in this as in other things my body has betrayed me.

This body is no longer mine. It no longer obeys me. First it took on this sickness without any invitiation. It disrupted my normal process of aging that I had prepared to meet face on with humor and good faith. Now my body aches and won't perform normal minor physical exertions without being exhausted. Now my body isn't whole. It has lost several important organs. Instead of normal menopause to share around the tea table with other female friends I was thrown into surgical menopause overnight. Instead of gradually graying with sophistication my hair after gem/cis looked as spare and gray as my 90 year old aunt's. This was truly dispair. I just couldn't face the mirror anymore but dreaded that growth line as color grows out. My favorite hairdresser suggested henna since my hair has so many chemicals in it. He said it would be easy to just put in and wash out when needed. After the first scary episode the results were not totally frightening so I've added some.

These are only a few thoughts for this early cold morning. Now let's have a cup of tea.